Don’t read this if you haven’t seen the season six finale of Game of Thrones.

Now, let us proceed. These are the thoughts I had while watching the show tonight in roughly sequential order.

  1. Ok. Less than three minutes into the show and it can be over because Cersei Lannister’s dominatrix-chic outfit is, by any standard, A SHOWSTOPPER.
  2. Oh no, High Sparrow. Don’t mess up Ser Loras’ pretty face. He’s the Knight of Flowers. It’s his best feature!
  3. I thought Margaery was playing a long game, but I was wrong. Her big plan was apparently to trust that the High Sparrow wouldn’t mutilate her brother.
  4. Man, I hate the High Sparrow more than I have hated any other villain on this show–or maybe any show–and that’s saying a lot, considering he hasn’t thrown a kid out of a window, castrated anybody, flayed a person, or fed anyone to the dogs.
  5. That’s right, Tommen. Stay put. Mommy obviously has some plans that don’t include you. You are the puppetiest of puppets.
  6. Seeya, Pycelle. It’s not that I like Quyburn any better than you, but if you’re an impediment to getting rid of the High Sparrow, you’ve gotta go. Or, really, almost any culling down of the cast list on a George R. R. Martin book is to be welcomed.
  7. Oh, Lancel Lannister. I’ve wanted you dead for so long. I hoped Cersei would be able to stick the stiletto of her shoe into your eye, but wildfire will do!
  8. KABOOM! Forget the Battle of the Blackwater. This is, without a doubt, the most satisfying explosion in the history of television. Yes, it killed a lot of people–including some of my favorites–but they were totally worthwhile prices to pay. Burn, little sparrows. Burn them all!
  9. I think this show is making me a bad person.
  10. Tommen has finally got hold of the plot but can’t hold on. And I find myself most irritated not that he jumps to his death, but that in doing so, he rained on Cersei’s parade! You couldn’t let your mother have just one moment, could you? #TeamLannister
  11. Sam and Gilly sure have cleaned up nice. But where is the sword? Obviously, Sam would happily trade it for an hour with these books, and I have to say, all the money they must have spent on the CGI for that great library…was totally worth it! #BookNerdsUnite
  12. My face hurts from smiling so big to see Jon at Winterfell, the Stark direwolf banner hanging from its walls.
  13. The red woman makes me smile bigger by refusing to let Jon brood about the fact that he had to sit at the bastard’s table at feast time. #FirstWesterosProblems
  14. The red witch is harsh, not taking all the blame for burning Shireen. Making sure that Davos knows his hero, Stannis, was in on the murder, totally crushed him. #RIPShireen
  15. Presented with the choice of keeping a magical ally who can resurrect you from the dead or delivering justice for the murder of a princess, Jon chooses neither, opting for the absolute most boneheaded solution ever in just sending the red witch away; because what could possibly go wrong? (This is when I totally think he’s Ned Stark’s son, no matter what the reveal is. And if he gets outsmarted by Littlefinger, he deserves it.)
  16. Sansa says she’s sorry she didn’t tell Jon about the knights of the Vale…but doesn’t say why she didn’t! WHY SANSA, WHY? Is it because you know that your brother is a an idiot or is it because you’ve become a warped and twisted thing?
  17. Jon thinks it’s because Sansa doesn’t trust him, and then we have one of the sweetest happy moments in the history of the show. Jon kisses her head and Sansa tells him that he’s really a Stark to her, and should have the master bedroom.
  18. Then they both smile–SMILE–to learn that winter is finally here. Is this really something to be happy about? Whatever. It’s obviously a Stark thing.
  19. But because this is Game of Thrones, we cannot revel in this wonderful moment of family bonding because Littlefinger is there to try to put a wedge between Jon and Sansa, and I’m just sick with nerves over it.
  20. I have such a love-hate relationship with Littlefinger. He has done everything without dragons, fireproof skin, highborn lineage, muscles, or magic swords.
  21. Littlefinger tells Sansa that he wants the iron throne and to have her next to him, and she just walks away. SNAP!
  22. Fuck Mereen, says Daario, meanwhile, in Mereen. And thus he expresses the opinion of the entire viewing audience.
  23. What he’s really mad about, though, is that Dany is dumping him. And I love that he’s fine with being a mistress. I’m touched by his speech. Then I get scared as Dany appears to feel…nothing. That can’t be right, can it?
  24. Yup. Confirmed. She tells Tyrion that she felt nothing for a man she thought she cared for. She just wanted to get on with the conquering of a continent far away whose people she has no connection to other than that she feels it is her right to rule them. (#MadQueen?) I have been #TeamDany forever, but she is scaring me.
  25. On the other hand, I should feel bad that the Shame Nun is going to be slowly tortured to death. And yet, I don’t. I am scaring myself!
  26. Awww. Tyrion finally gets the job he’s always wanted on his own merits.
  27. Little baby Lady Mormont is badass. That’s the girl who has your back!
  28. Hint: When declaring someone KING IN THE NORTH do you really want to keep calling him Jon Snow? Is it too much to call him Stark now? What are you worried about? Offending Sansa?
  29. Clearly, nobody is actually worrying about offending–or even acknowledging–Sansa. Or the knights of the Vale. Never mind the fact that almost everybody else in the room would be either flayed alive or dog chow if it weren’t for them. Please, I pray to the Seven Gods and the Old Gods and even the Lord of Light, do not let Jon be as much of a political numbskull as his father and his brother!
  30. The Queen of Thorns was already scary. Now she has nothing left to lose.
  31. Oh hai Varys! Everyone can just teleport anywhere in Westeros at this point.
  32. Which I really can’t even mind, because it means THE FREYS FINALLY PAY! Oh, the deliciousness of that scene. (If you loved that vengeance pie as much as I did, you’ll definitely love my novelette, The Gingerbread Princess.)
  33. But I am now left with a lingering memory of Arya-assassin flirting with Jaime. Methinks he and Bronn had a near miss. Don’t touch them, Arya Stark! You keep your mitts off my precious Kingslayer.
  34. Meanwhile, my precious Kingslayer returns to King’s Landing for the shock of his life, and his expression is like this:
  35. But watching Cersei claim the iron throne for herself, in that Janet Jackson outfit, was shockingly satisfying in a way I had never dreamed it could be, and so my face was more like this:
  36. Again, this show is turning me into a bad person. I don’t know what Cersei’s claim to the throne could possibly be at this point, but I don’t care. I don’t care!
  37. And finally, WHAT A CLOSING IMAGE. The ships, the dragons, the invading army. As Tyrion said, we’re in the great game now, and the great game is terrifying.